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  • Collaborative Divorce: A New Paradigm
    Collaborative Divorce: A New Paradigm
    by Pauline H. Tesler, Peggy Thompson
  • The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids--Without Going to Court
    The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids--Without Going to Court
    by Stuart G. Webb, Ronald D. Ousky
  • Stop Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations (Mike Mastracci's Divorce Without Dishonor)
    Stop Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations (Mike Mastracci's Divorce Without Dishonor)
    by Mike Mastracci
  • Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
    Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
    by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen
  • Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
    Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
    by Kerry Patterson

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Questions You Want Answered > Putting My Children First > I remember my parents had a horrible divorce. How do I protect my children in mine?

Search the FAQ for entries containing:

The greatest indicator of how well children will do after divorce is the level of conflict between the parents, with higher levels of conflict causing the greatest negative impact into adulthood.  
1. Co-parenting is an adult activity.  Your children should not be the messenger between you, act as your therapist or be the pony express.
2. Your child is composed of 50% of you and 50% of their other parent.  Criticizing the other parent is the same to them as criticizing half of your child.
3. Don’t confuse your child’s feelings with your own.  They are children, with a different understanding of the same set of facts as yours.  You may be angry; they may just be confused.  Stay with what they are telling you they are feeling, and don’t superimpose yours on them.  
4. This one took me a long time, but sometimes, they don’t want you to solve a problem; they just want you to listen.  So just listen.
5. Don’t give them the third degree or editorialize on their time with the other parent.  Give them the space to tell you about their life with the other parent, but treat it as though they went to see a favorite relative and act appropriately.  Do you really want them to feel as if they have two separate lives that cannot overlap?
6. Don’t argue about them in front of them.  
7. Don’t treat the other parent with disrespect.
8. If you screw up doing any of the above, apologize to your child and stop doing what you did wrong.

The greatest indicator of how well children will do after divorce is the level of conflict between the parents, with higher levels of conflict causing the greatest negative impact into adulthood.  
1. Co-parenting is an adult activity.  Your children should not be the messenger between you, act as your therapist or be the pony express.2. Your child is composed of 50% of you and 50% of their other parent.  Criticizing the other parent is the same to them as criticizing half of your child.3. Don’t confuse your child’s feelings with your own.  They are children, with a different understanding of the same set of facts as yours.  You may be angry; they may just be confused.  Stay with what they are telling you they are feeling, and don’t superimpose yours on them.  4. This one took me a long time, but sometimes, they don’t want you to solve a problem; they just want you to listen.  So just listen.5. Don’t give them the third degree or editorialize on their time with the other parent.  Give them the space to tell you about their life with the other parent, but treat it as though they went to see a favorite relative and act appropriately.  Do you really want them to feel as if they have two separate lives that cannot overlap?6. Don’t argue about them in front of them.  7. Don’t treat the other parent with disrespect.8. If you screw up doing any of the above, apologize to your child and stop doing what you did wrong.

Last updated on October 13, 2019 by Karen Robbins, Attorney at Law